"Halt!" shouted a voice.
Crius looked up. He was boxed in by guards, with Lord Maximilian in the center.
"Crius, you will destroy our way of life, our careful balance, if you continue. You were warned. By the power given me by our people, I hereby banish you from our lands, effective immediately!"
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Cover's blown! I'd like to see his reaction to that. If I might make a tiny suggestion, maybe drop "our careful balance" because that seems less strong than "our way of life." With just one phrase in that spot, you call attention to it; with two phrases, the significance is watered down.
ReplyDeletePost more of this story! I want to know what happens J
Thanks for the feedback! The whole story can be read at http://thefringemagazine.blogspot.com/2011/04/fictionthe-hunter-and-monster-by-ed.html.
DeleteI have a feeling Crius upsets the balance of everything before he's through! Terrific six!
ReplyDeleteCrius gets in a whole lot of trouble, that's for sure. Thanks for commenting!
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